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Hypnotherapy for Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns

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Attachment research offers one explanation for repeating the same relationship pattern: the expectations about closeness and trust you learned early in life can carry into adult relationships. Those expectations are not fixed. Research summarized in the Wikipedia article on adult attachment finds that around 20 to 30 percent of people’s attachment styles change over time. Hypnosis can help you notice your pattern as it starts and rehearse a different response.

Where do relationship patterns come from?

Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby founded modern attachment theory through studies of children and their caregivers. Bowlby described “working models,” patterns of interaction learned in childhood that are likely to influence adult relationships. Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver later noticed that adults behave toward partners much as children do toward caregivers, feeling comforted when an attachment figure is present and more anxious or lonely when they are absent, and extended the theory to adult relationships.

What are the four adult attachment styles?

The Wikipedia article on attachment in adults describes four, based partly on a questionnaire devised by Bartholomew and Horowitz:

  • Secure: a positive view of yourself and others, trusting without needing constant reassurance.
  • Anxious-preoccupied: a negative self-view and uncertainty about trusting others, seeking validation through the relationship.
  • Dismissive-avoidant: a positive self-view but a negative view of others, preferring distance and independence over closeness.
  • Fearful-avoidant: negative views of both yourself and others, wanting closeness but frightened of it. It is the least common of the four.

How do the styles show up in a relationship?

The article gives recognizable examples. People with anxious attachment may worry when a reply is delayed and feel rejected, and may worry about the relationship even when it is stable. Anxiety about being abandoned and doubts about their own worth can keep them in long-lasting but unhappy relationships. People with a dismissive-avoidant style may find it hard to open up and pull away when things start to feel real. People with a fearful-avoidant style may stay in the dating stage longer and shut down when a relationship becomes serious.

Try to recognize your own moment: the point where the familiar pattern takes over.

Can your attachment style change?

For a minority of people, yes. According to the article, around 70 to 80 percent of people show no significant change in attachment style over time, while around 20 to 30 percent do, sometimes over weeks or months. That suggests working models are not rigid personality traits.

Why styles change is not well understood. Waters, Weinfield and Hamilton proposed that negative life experiences often drive change, and a study by Davila, Karney and Bradbury found that situational events, changes in how people think about relationships, personality and combinations of these all played a part. In the 1980s, Sue Johnson began using attachment theory in therapy with adults.

Can hypnotherapy help break a relationship pattern?

At your moment. Once you know where the pattern starts, a session can help you:

  • Rehearse the trigger: if a late reply sets off worry, picture the message not arriving and practice waiting before you act.
  • Rehearse the opposite move: if you tend to pull away, picture staying in a close conversation a little longer than feels comfortable.
  • Practice asking directly: picturing yourself telling a partner what you need instead of testing them or withdrawing.

Deeper patterns, especially ones linked to past trauma, belong with a therapist, alone or as a couple, with hypnosis as an optional addition.

Map your last three relationships

For each, write down how it began to go wrong: what happened, what you felt, and what you did next. Then look across the three for the same moment. That moment, not the partner, is what to rehearse.

This article is general information, not medical or psychological advice; talk with a licensed clinician about your own situation.

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