Hypnotherapy for Assertiveness and Setting Boundaries

Assertiveness is not a personality type you either have or lack. Behavior therapists and cognitive behavioral therapists have taught it as a learnable communication skill since the second half of the 20th century. Because it can be learned, it can be rehearsed, and rehearsal is where hypnosis can contribute: getting the words ready and the body calm before the conversation that matters.

What does assertive actually mean?

The Wikipedia article on assertiveness quotes Dorland’s Medical Dictionary: behavior that affirms your rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening someone else’s rights or submissively letting others ignore or deny yours. A 2008 textbook, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, calls it “the behavioral middle ground, lying between ineffective passive and aggressive responses.”

How you handle boundaries helps tell the three styles apart:

• Passive: not defending your own boundaries.
• Aggressive: not respecting other people’s.
• Assertive: stating your thoughts and feelings clearly while respecting both. In the article’s words, it “focuses on the issue, not the person.”

Why do some people keep saying yes?

According to the article, passive communicators avoid trying to influence others because they fear social conflict. As a result they leave their own boundaries undefended, which can let aggressive people manipulate them, and they tend to hold in feelings such as anger. Later, it notes, they may come back and attack with a sense of righteous indignation.

What is popularly called people-pleasing resembles this pattern: agreeing to keep the peace, then resenting it. The article warns that passive and aggressive communication alike can end relationships and reduce self-respect, so the automatic yes is not as safe as it feels.

Where did assertiveness training come from?

Assertiveness training was introduced by Andrew Salter in 1961 and popularized by Joseph Wolpe, who had explored assertion as a way of countering anxiety in his 1958 book on treating neurosis. Wolpe believed a person could not be assertive and anxious at the same time, so acting assertively would inhibit the anxiety.

Which techniques are taught?

Several come from Manuel Smith’s 1975 book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, as the article summarizes them:

• Broken record: simply repeating your request or refusal each time you meet resistance. Repeat it too often, the article cautions, and your words can lose authority.
• Fogging: finding some limited truth in what a critic says and agreeing with that part, or agreeing in principle.
• Negative inquiry: asking for more specific criticism.
• Negative assertion: agreeing with criticism without dropping your request.

I-statements are another tool: saying how you feel and what you want from your own position, without judging the other person or blaming them for your feelings.

Can you overdo it?

Yes. The article quotes assertiveness manuals noting that many people, trying assertive behavior for the first time, “go too far and become aggressive.” It also points out that what counts as assertive depends on the situation. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, some training was distorted into getting your own way by repeating demands, and the line between a broken record and coercive nagging or bullying can be a fine one. The goal is respect in both directions, not winning.

How can hypnosis help you say no?

If anxiety is what pushes you into an automatic yes, Wolpe’s idea points to a use for hypnosis. In a session you can settle your body and then run the conversation in imagination: making the request in one sentence, hearing the other person push back, answering with an I-statement, and repeating your position once without raising your voice. Rehearse the tone as well as the words, so that a first attempt at assertiveness does not tip into aggression. The session prepares you; the conversation itself is still where the skill gets built.

When is a boundary about safety?

If saying no to someone has led to threats, intimidation or harm, the issue is not your communication style. Contact a doctor, a therapist or a local support service. And if fear of other people’s judgment is strong enough that you avoid social situations, it may be social anxiety, which has its own treatments.

Three sentences to rehearse this week

Write your own version of each, then practice saying it calmly, in self-hypnosis and out loud:

1. An I-statement: “I feel stretched when work arrives after six, and I’d like us to agree on a cutoff.”
2. A broken-record refusal: “I can’t take that on this week,” repeated once, in the same tone, if pressed.
3. A fogging reply: “You may be right that I could have mentioned it sooner. I still need the weekend free.”

This article is general information, not medical or psychological advice; talk with a licensed clinician about your own situation.