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Hypnosis for Letting Go After a Breakup

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Letting go after a breakup means more than missing someone less. Research summarized in the Wikipedia article on breakups points to rebuilding your sense of who you are, without your former partner, as the most significant negative effect people go through. Hypnosis can help with two parts of that work: interrupting the replaying of what went wrong, and rehearsing a daily life that is your own again.

Why does a breakup hurt this much?

The Wikipedia article on breakups describes several layers of distress. People report avoidance, such as trying not to face what happened, and feeling numb and uninterested in the world. Self-esteem drops. And because people naturally want to keep relationships intact, a breakup brings grief reactions, including sleeplessness, depression and suicidal thoughts, to the point that researchers see it as a significant contributor to first episodes of major depression in young adults.

Underneath all of that is the question of identity: working out who you are without the other person.

Why can’t I stop thinking about them?

One reason is rumination. The Wikipedia article on rumination) defines rumination as sustained focus on, and repetition of, negative thoughts and emotions, and links it with depression and anxiety. Researchers distinguish two kinds: brooding, described as continuous, passive, negative thoughts and closely tied to worsening depression, and reflection, a more neutral and active observation of yourself.

Two points follow. Simply forcing thoughts of your ex away may not work: research on ironic processes suggests that deliberately suppressing a thought can make it more likely to surface. And thinking about the breakup is not always harmful. According to Pennebaker, as summarized in the rumination article, talking about your feelings can reduce distress and rumination when it leads to greater insight into the source of the problem.

Can anything good come of it?

Sometimes. The breakup article describes stress-related growth and feelings of relief and freedom as possible outcomes. In a study by Jessica Kansky and Joseph P. Allen that followed 160 young adults aged 20 to 25, a breakup turned out to be positive in the long run for several of them, especially when they understood why the relationship had ended.

That last detail fits the difference between reflection and brooding described above.

Can hypnosis help you let go?

In three places:

  • Moving from brooding to reflection: noticing the familiar “why did they” loop and setting it aside for a planned time to think and write.
  • Sleep: a wind-down routine for nights when the thoughts get loudest.
  • Rebuilding identity: picturing an ordinary week that belongs to you, with the friends, routines and interests you want to return to or begin.

It is not a way to erase memories or feelings, and it should not be used to push the loss out of mind, given what the research says about suppression.

When to get more help

If low mood, poor sleep or loss of interest last, see a doctor; if you have thoughts of suicide or self-harm, call or text 988 in the United States. If a former partner keeps contacting you after you have asked them to stop, or you feel unsafe, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788. Outside the United States, contact your local emergency number or crisis line.

A week of reflection, not brooding

For seven days, set aside a short, fixed time to write about the relationship. Aim each session at understanding: what each of you brought, what you would want differently next time, and what you are learning about yourself. Outside that time, when the loop starts, note it and return to it at the next session.

This article is general information, not medical or psychological advice; talk with a licensed clinician about your own situation.

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